Carrying the Pain of Baby Loss
Posted on 15th October 2020 at 16:57
Taking place 9th-15th October every year, Baby Loss Awareness Week aims to raise awareness about pregnancy and baby loss in the UK. Stigma and silence often mean families feel isolated in their grief. COVID-19 has made this worse.
Today, guest blogger and Grief Recovery Specialist Detola Amure shares her story.
"They say the death of a child is the worst thing that can ever happen to a parent. No parent ever expects to bury their own child. Losing a child is a tragedy and I felt the worst pain ever in my life. This was my first major loss, so it hit me hard.
"Two days before Christmas in 2018, my seven-month-old twin baby boy, Caleb died at home. He didn’t wake up from his nap after church. I was completely heartbroken and devastated. As a Christian, I was fully convinced that God had abandoned me. My twins both had a cold but because of some underlying health condition, Caleb didn’t make it.
"Interestingly, I never for once believed that the devil took my baby. I laid “every blame” on God because even though I knew he didn't cause Caleb to die, he permitted it to happen. What I couldn't understand was why he would permit such horror to happen to me. Why would he give me a set of twins and then take one away? That was where my struggle laid the most.
"I’ve experienced anger, disappointment, sadness, severe anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I was in a very dark place and felt like I was going to drown in hopelessness. I couldn’t sleep and my body shut down. However, through it all, even when I didn’t want to admit it, I was still angry at God. I knew God was there, even in the darkest valley crying with me, comforting me, and carrying me. Even in my anxious state, he blessed me with the peace that passes all understanding.
"I have come to realise a lot of bereaved mothers feel they are not allowed to grieve when they lose a child especially a stillbirth, miscarriage, or an infant. They internalise their grief and, in the process, find they are stuck. However, healing comes when we grieve our loss… when we are open about it. Healing cannot happen in the dark.
"I got lots of “encouraging" words from people which made sense intellectually, but my heart was still bleeding. I quickly learnt how to put on a brave face but inwards I was in severe pain and felt isolated in my pain.
"The Grief Recovery Method transformed my life and has helped me see beyond my pain. It has given me the tools to let go of my pain, grieve well, and find new meaning of life and true purpose in this adversity. I was a bit sceptical at first, but I had a life transforming experience."
If you would like help to release the pain associated with baby loss, Detola and other Grief Recovery Specialists are available with support. Find your Grief Recovery Specialist here.
The Baby Loss Awareness Alliance is a collaboration of more than 90 charities working together to break the taboo and drive tangible improvements in policy, bereavement care and support for anyone affected by the death of a baby.
Share this post: